


Some Distant Memory

by jenniferjun1per



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But he gets reincarnated, Cassian dies on Scarif, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Immortality, Pining, Post-Battle of Scarif, Reincarnation, Smut, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-01 00:17:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12144357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenniferjun1per/pseuds/jenniferjun1per
Summary: Cassian Andor dies on the beach on Scarif, but Jyn Erso is given the gift of living forever, thanks to something mystical Lyra Erso had imbued into her kyber crystal necklace. Jyn begins to think it’s not a gift though, as she struggles to live with the memory of Cassian. It comes as a shock to her aching heart then, when years later her crystal throbs with heat, and he reappears, with a different name, and no memory of her. She tries to get him to remember her, but he never does, and over the years he dies and gets reincarnated several more times, each time her kyber crystal alerting her to his existence. But one time that she meets him, he finally opens up about a dream that he keeps having, of a beach, and a blinding white light, and holding someone in his arms, and she thinks with a fragile hope that this might be it, might finally be the time that he remembers her…





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CasandAngel4ever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasandAngel4ever/gifts).



> This is only the first part of this, so basically the last part of that summary above will happen in the next part, I apologize for that. Having said that, this part will NOT end on a happy note, so I just wanted to be upfront about that. The HEA is coming, though, so don't despair!
> 
> Also there will be cameos in this part by other trilogy characters, but I want to stress that they are not the focus of this story. This occurs around the time period of "The Force Awakens", so I hope I got the timing right. If not, please excuse any inconsistencies.
> 
> And lastly, reincarnation can be a tricky concept, and in this story it is something I pulled from my imagination. I didn't adhere to any other concepts of reincarnation, and no offense is meant to anyone who holds such beliefs.
> 
> Thanks everyone for reading, I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into this one!

It’s a nice enough planet.

Rose-colored skies, warm breezes, indifferent locals. It’s the perfect place for someone who doesn’t belong anywhere, who no longer has a home.

Jyn’s been to worse places, and better, but in the end they are all the same. They’re not home, they never _could_ be home, because something, or someone, is missing.

She keys the code to the small flat she’ll be staying at, procured with illicit credits, with sufficient hush money that her landlord should leave her alone for the foreseeable future. She’s not even quite sure of what world she’s on, or even what system she’s in, but it’s far enough from the last place that it’s different at least. She sets her small pack on the only chair in the room, takes a cursory look around. Everything is covered in a fine layer of dust, obviously the flat hadn’t been used in a while. There’s a small table and chair, and a cot in the corner, and the only window in the room is haphazardly boarded up, letting only slivers of light in, illuminating the dust motes swirling in the air.

Jyn slowly lowers herself onto the cot, which creaks meekly under her weight. Her hand reaches absentmindedly for the kyber crystal at her neck, her fingers rubbing over its smooth faces. The crystal is warmer than it usually is, but Jyn only attributes that to the fact that it’s probably been warmed by her body as she’s been moving around. When it’s warm like this, she can almost imagine that it’s alive, that it’s a friend, the only one she’s had since that fateful day when everything was taken from her.

She relives it every day. The flash. The light. The heat.

His arms around her.

 _I’ll always be with you_ , he’d said, and when she’d looked at him with fear and tears in her eyes he’d smiled, and laid a hand over her chest, where the crystal lay. Before she could answer him the light had hit, and the crystal had emitted such a searing heat she was sure she’d be burned from it. When she had woken up in the medbay her skin had been unscarred, and the crystal had been cold.

Everyone had told her it had been a miracle that she’d survived, when there’d been no trace of anyone else. What had been even more of a miracle, what had resulted in hushed whispers behind her back and pointed stares, had been the fact that she had come out unscathed, not a scar, not a broken bone, no bruises or cuts save the ones she’d received before the blast. She had been just as baffled by it as everyone else, and the attention it had garnered her had made her retreat from everyone, from everything. She hadn’t known why she’d been saved, when everyone else she had come to care for had perished.

A dream had come to her one night, when she lay thrashing in bed from moments relived, a vision of her mother shimmering in the mists of Lah’mu.

 _Trust the force_ , her mother had said, laying the frayed cord of the crystal necklace around her neck. There’d been a flash of blinding light, and when the crystal had touched her skin it was warm, like the hot stones that littered the ground after a geyser’s steam had heated them. She’d bowed her head, her hands covering the crystal at her daughter’s neck, and had whispered some words Jyn couldn’t make out.

Jyn had been vaguely aware that her mother had dabbled in Jedi history and philosophy, too young to truly understand what it was that Lyra Erso had believed. She had known her mother had believed in the Force, although she hadn’t been Force-sensitive, at least not in the way the Jedi had been. Still, Lyra Erso had an aura about her, something Jyn had felt more than anything. When the light had hit them on Scarif, Jyn had heard her mother’s words echoing in her ear as the crystal at her neck had pulsed and heated. She couldn’t begin to understand what it had all meant, but the result had been that she had lived, and continues to live.

Jyn swipes the back of her hand across her eyes, as if she can wipe away the memories with the tears. It’s been so long that she thought she couldn’t possibly have tears left, but she surprises herself every time the silent drops fall. Every time she thinks of him.

_I’ll always be with you_

The crystal warms in her hand.

\---

She’d stayed with the Alliance only long enough to help them with the destruction of the Death Star, and had planned to leave it altogether after that. But she had formed a close bond with the Princess, who had become a general, who had become respected, and who had become a good friend. Leia hadn’t been able to convince her to stay, but had managed to keep her as a valued ally of the Rebellion. Jyn had helped Leia on Hoth, had helped save Han on Tatooine, and had been part of the team on the Endor moon. When the Empire fell she had hugged Leia warmly and thanked her for her friendship, and then she’d boarded her ship and gone out into the galaxy for her own answers. Leia had warned Jyn with the sternness of her bearing that she wasn’t going to let her go that easily, and that she would be calling her up should the need arise.

It isn’t a surprise then, when the old comm she had kept goes off, and an encrypted message from General Organa comes in. It’s a holo message, and Jyn inhales sharply when she sees Leia’s form materialize from the holo projector. She’s fully aware it’s been many years since she’s seen her, but it’s still a shock to see Leia so aged. Jyn looks at her own hands, smooth and clear, while Leia’s are mottled and bent with age. She pushes the dismay from her mind and tries to concentrate on Leia’s message.

_Jyn Erso, I hope I find you in good health. I wouldn’t have called on you, but I have a most desperate mission that I can only trust you with. The Senate is keeping close tabs on me and therefore I cannot send my own operatives. We have reason to believe that the First Order is creating a weapon, powerful enough to destroy worlds. I don’t have to explain to you how dire this situation is. Help us, Jyn. Find out what you can--_

The message cuts off abruptly, and Jyn finally lets out the breath she had been holding. She can’t stop her hands from shaking though, and a cold sweat builds on the back of her neck. The Empire is gone, but now the First Order had taken its place. There are no more Death Stars, but there is now the threat of something else. Even though her father had no involvement in this one, and technically therefore neither does she, she cannot ignore her friend’s call for help, the galaxy’s call for help. She clutches the kyber crystal in her hand again and thinks about Cassian. He would do it in a heartbeat.

It warms in her palm.

\---

Jyn’s always been good at laying low, at being invisible and sneaking in and out of places without being seen. It’s a skill she had honed in her time with the Partisans, and one she had come back to after leaving the Alliance once and for all. It’s a skill she taps into to find the intel General Organa needs.

She’s on Takodana when she hears the first hints of something big, smugglers moaning about the increase in shipments, through a shady cartel with ties to something powerful and dangerous. She follows the trail, and eventually stumbles upon a mining operation so huge that people and resources are being taken from systems throughout the galaxy. Jyn hopes for a defector, for someone with a kind heart like Bodhi, and when she thinks of the pilot who was the catalyst for their mission so long ago, her chest aches. In the end it’s too much to hope for, and it’s the promise of credits and protection that eventually sways someone to give her information.

\---

The planet she finds herself on is mostly desert, much like Jedha, and the marketplace she’s in is so strangely familiar that Jyn can’t help but be on edge. Something about the place, the situation, gives her a strange feeling, the hairs on the back of her neck prickling. She moves swiftly, urgently through the crowd, through unfamiliar faces, yet something still claws at her in the back of her mind. Her crystal is warm against her skin again, but she can’t give a thought to it now. She finds the seller’s cart she’s to meet her contact at, a man they call “Fulcrum”, and hopes he comes soon. She can’t shake the feeling of something strange, her heart beating fast and her brow breaking out into a cold sweat, despite the harsh glare of the sun.

She checks the time again and again, perhaps too often, but he’s late, and she considers bolting. The longer she lingers in one place the more attention she’ll call to herself, and attention is not something she seeks. The seller is already eyeing her suspiciously, but she pretends to be contemplating his wares, crystal necklaces similar to the one she is wearing (but hiding beneath her scarf). Jyn thinks of General Organa, and the intel she is waiting on, and not wanting to let her old friend down she stays.

Someone is standing very close to her, and it’s not just his proximity that makes her pause. Something else about him…

“The fulcrum of the new project is the concrete foundation which must support the entire building.”

The sound of his voice sends something electrifying through her system, taking her breath away and making the ground sway beneath her feet. She lifts her eyes up, anxious and heavy with anticipation, right into the eyes of someone she had thought she’d lost long ago.

_Cassian?_

Her knees threaten to buckle, her eyes threaten to spill hot tears, and she tries desperately to keep her shaking hands from cupping his face.

_You’re here_

_Oh gods, how?_

But he’s looking at her, eyebrows raised in expectation, and there isn’t really recognition in his eyes (although the hope in her heart wishes there is). Something flits across his face, confusion, curiosity, she can’t tell, but she knows he doesn’t know her. She schools her features then, willing her face to look impassive, willing her heartbeat to slow.

“It’s about time you got here. I was about to leave.” She hopes her voice is even, as she fights to hide the tremor in it.

“I came as fast as I could.” She watches him throw up his arms in a casual gesture, but the sight of him, the thought of him, the sound of him, is almost too much. She knows it’s not the same Cassian, can’t be, but if she is somehow here then maybe it’s possible that he is too. Yet he doesn’t know her, and that’s something she can’t comprehend. She wants answers, but she’s here to do a job first and foremost.

“So? What are you looking for?” She finally manages to say, in a tone she manages to keep steady. She watches him fumble for words, hears him speak, but the words get lost in her memories, and something throbs in her chest that she’s long since buried. The throbbing continues externally, as the crystal at her neck begins to pulse, and Jyn mindlessly clutches it. Light begins to emanate from the crystal, and the warmth she’d been feeling from it the last few days suddenly increases, almost to the point where it burns at the touch. A gasp escapes from her lips, just as she notices _Cassian_ (but he’s not Cassian, is he?) lean towards it. She tucks the necklace back behind her scarf, even as it glows and heats.

“Yes, there’s a way to defeat it, a weakness.” She finds herself saying the words, words she had said before, so long ago. It seems so bitter that she is saying them again, and bittersweet that she’s saying them to _him_ (yet it’s not him, she keeps telling herself, it can’t be).

“A weakness? How do you know?” She sees his eyes, questioning, but something else is dancing behind them. She hopes he believes her.

“There’s always a weakness.” She finds herself saying, and then she’s no longer in that marketplace, she’s watching a holo of her father with Saw by her side, she’s on a U-wing desperately trying to convince Cassian of her father’s sabotage. She shakes her head of the memories, finds his eyes still trained on her, piercing her, as they always did.

“A man I know, who worked on it, he told me,” she says by way of explanation, because he’s staring at her, and she doesn’t mean to be cagey but she knows they’ve lingered too long. The planet they’re on is not supposed to be loyal to the First Order, but that makes it more dangerous.

“And you have proof?” he asks, but his tone is not suspicious or accusatory. His face is so open, so _accepting_ , that it makes Jyn’s heart stutter in her chest. She tamps down the feeling, because she knows it’s not the time or the place, her gut flipping uncomfortably.

“Yes. I’m meeting with a defector who worked on the project, he’s assured me he has procured the information we need.” She needs to get out, get him out, and her instinct is confirmed as First Order spies appear in the corner of her vision. They’re only observing, so Jyn knows the time to leave is now. She means to steer him out, but when her hand touches his elbow she’s jolted by something, and her mind suddenly filters through memories of Cassian Andor: their first meeting on Yavin, their escape from Jedha, their argument after Eadu. She remembers the softness in his voice when he’d said “Welcome home”, remembers the pained expression in his eyes when she was about to jump to the data tower, remembers the way he held her tight on the beach, his fingers digging helplessly into her back.

She wants to cry out, to scream, but she remembers where she is, and she feels his curious eyes on her. She shakes the memories away once more, leads him through the crowd.

“Meet me back here, give me a week, and I’ll have your intel.” She leaves him then, without a backward glance, because she’s not sure she’d be able to bring herself to leave his side if she’d looked back.

Later, as she lies on her cot in the darkened room of her flat, she permits herself to feel, to let the memories and their corresponding emotions wash over her.

The crystal throbs, still warm, still emanating a faint light.

\---

She’d told Cassian (but _not_ Cassian, she reminds herself) to give her a week, but in reality she already had the intel. She wants the time because she wants answers.

She lands on Takodana late into the night, and as much as she doesn’t want to disturb Maz, she needs to know. She moves with nervous energy through the castle, which is mostly quiet, and finds Maz in a storage room off of the kitchen, thankfully still awake. Maz looks up into Jyn’s breathless face and nods.

“I know why you are here.”

\---

Jyn accepts the steaming cup of tea Maz gives her, forces herself to sit at the table despite all of the nerves in her body singing. Maz sits across from her, eyes appraising.

“The Force works in mysterious ways, _that_ I see you have experience with.”

Jyn thumbs the crystal at her neck, which had faded slightly since she’d left the planet, throbs only faintly, but stays warm.

“Maz, you’d told me before how I could be here, but how could _he_ be here? If my existence has something to do with the crystal, does his?” She knows she doesn’t have to explain _who_ , she knows from Maz’s face that she already knows.

“I’ve lived for many years and have seen many things, and what’s happened to Cassian is not altogether impossible,” she says the words slowly, thoughtfully.

“How, Maz? How is he here? Is it really him?” Jyn reaches across the table involuntarily, her heart beating out of her chest, laying her palms flat on the surface. Maz sighs, climbs up onto the table and takes Jyn’s hands in hers.

“My child, the energy from your crystal that allows you to be here, to never age and to never die, allows him to be here, but in a different form than you remember.”

“But he looks the same, Maz,” Jyn says quietly, “Sounds the same, too.” She allows herself a small smile, at the memory of his voice, one she had thought she would never hear again.

“He is not the Cassian you remember, he has been reborn into this body.”

“So you’re saying he wouldn’t know me, wouldn’t remember me?”

Maz contemplates for a moment, climbs back down into her chair and sits. She takes a sip of her tea. “This I do not know. My experience in the past has only been through whispers, through stories passed down from generation to generation.”

“He looked at me, like he knew…. _something_ .” She stops short of saying _like he knew me_ , because that isn’t exactly the look she had seen in his face. But she couldn’t deny there had been something there.

Maz leans forward then, her eyes narrowing, “Then there’s something there you need to discover.”

\---

_The fine, white sand on the beach makes her stumble. The warm weight of him makes her feel alive, even though death is coming. There’s a smell of saltwater in the air, of a destruction that moves swiftly towards them. Her hand is in his, a gesture that says “I’m here, you are not alone”. His arm is wrapped around her shoulders, not just to support his body, but to support her in these last moments, as they watch the impending wave. His arms are tight around her, and her arms are tight around him, his face is burying into the crook of her neck, his fingers clutching at the fabric of her jacket, and the sand and the saltwater spray their faces, the light blinding their eyes._

_“I’ll always be with you.”_

Jyn wakes with a start, swipes at the wetness on her face. She sits up heavily in the cot Maz had offered her for the night, cursing the dreams that haven’t left her alone in so many long years. Checking her chrono, she sees she hasn’t been asleep for long, the light of a new day hasn’t filtered through the windows just yet. Just as well, since it isn’t sleep she needs, nor wants. Hastily she grabs her belongings and heads out into the cool Takodana night.

\---

The intel Jyn had provided is solid, and she receives notice that “Fulcrum” is to meet with her one last time with a message from General Organa. It’s a perfect excuse really, the intel exchange had been too quick and harried for her to glean anything from him, his eyes shifty and his movements wary, that she had reluctantly let him go. This time, she would get him talking, ask him questions, find out what he knew about who he really was, or who he had been.

She meets with him in an alley on the Ring of Kafrene, and when she sees him he’s standing stock still, head turning, eyes roving around at his surroundings. He doesn’t register her approach until she’s standing right in front of him, and he startles slightly at her presence.

“I thought people weren’t supposed to be able to sneak up on you spy-types.” She fights for an even tone again, even though her heart is hammering out of her chest.

“Yeah, sorry.” He’s distracted, not having met her eyes yet. She looks around at the durasteel and plastoid around them, cocking an eyebrow as to what could be so fascinating to him.

“I feel like…”

The crystal throbs at Jyn’s neck, almost in time with the rapid beat of her heart.

“... like I’ve been here before.”

She keeps her face neutral but now she’s remembering, long buried recollections of reading files about Cassian, data Mon Mothma had opened to her out of guilt and regret. The Ring of Kafrene was familiar because _he had been there_ , gathering information from a man named Tivik.

Jyn swallows the lump in her throat, takes a deep breath. “Do you remember this place?”

He thinks for a minute, his eyes darting back and forth before he shakes his head. “I know I’ve never been here before, yet it feels like I have? Sorry, I know that doesn’t make sense. It was a long trip getting here, I think I may need some rest.” He scrubs his eyes with the heel of his hand.

“I have a room,” she says suddenly, aware of how it sounds, but she wants to get him talking, and this dark alley with shadows of the past and eyes watching isn’t conducive to her needs. She expects him to balk, to refuse, to make an excuse to escape, and she shifts her weight from one leg to another as she waits for his answer. To her surprise, he nods thoughtfully, and follows her out of the alley.

\---

The rooms to let on a place like the Ring of Kafrene are serviceable at best, with all of the amenities you would need, but none of the luxuries. Jyn had only meant to talk with him, but now that they’re alone in the small room together, with garish neon lighting filtering through the dirty windows and lewd noises coming from the other rooms, the seediness of the place makes her intentions seem questionable. “Fulcrum” looks at her out of the corner of his eye as he crosses the room.

“I have a private ‘fresher, if you need.” She tries to sound accommodating but even offering _that_ sounds forward, and his eyes dart to her face before he shakes his head.

“I’m good, thanks. Just need to get off my feet.” He sits on the small cot, the only place in the room to sit. There’s a small table against the window, but no chair, so Jyn goes to lean against it so she’s facing him. She doesn’t want to spook him more than he already is, so she keeps her distance. She almost can’t stand his proximity, as if they’re two magnets and she’s fighting like hell to stay back. The crystal throbs against her skin, hot and bright.

“So listen, what do I call you? Is ‘Fulcrum’ it, or do you have a name?” She doesn’t mean to sound blunt, but she’s been on edge since Takodana, and now that he’s here in front of her maybe she can get some answers. He contemplates for a moment, his brow furrowing (and she’s reminded again of Cassian, it’s a look she remembers so well) before he cracks the smallest of smiles, the corner of his mouth turning up ever so slightly.

“General Organa said I could trust you, which is why I’m here.” He pulls out a holodisc and hands it to her. “My name is Cassian, by the way.”

Jyn fumbles with the disc, almost dropping it to the floor. The crystal heats to an almost unbearable temperature, and she bites her lip to keep from crying out. She doesn’t have time to recover, he sees her face and stands up.

“Are you okay?” His hands are grasping her arms, and she realizes it’s because she’s sagging against the table. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Jyn manages to shake her head, hair falling into her eyes and she hopes it hides her reaction. “I’m fine,” she manages to croak out, before she clears her throat, and with a more steady tone she adds, “I used to know someone with that name.”

Cassian nods, his eyes still boring into her. “My mother named me after the great hero of Scarif, maybe you’ve heard of him?”

_Heard of him? I knew him. He died in my arms. Yet…_

Jyn nods slightly, but every movement of her head makes the room spin. Nausea starts to bubble in the pit of her stomach and she feels like she might be sick. Cassian is still gripping her arms and she’s thankful for it, for the warmth of his touch, for the support he always offered her. She smiles ruefully at her folly. _It’s not him_ , she reprimands herself.

“I imagine you were named after her?” He’s questioning now, probing, as if she is a secret he’s trying to unlock. “Jyn Erso?”

Jyn can’t go there, wouldn’t even know where to begin. She wants to tell him, wants to scream _I am Jyn Erso!_ But she knows it sounds ludicrous, and she doesn’t want to scare him away. He’s so close to her though, he’s _right there_ , and all she really wants to do is wrap her arms around him and hold him like she did on that beach. Except this time they get to live.

She doesn’t answer his question, breaks from his grasp and instead takes the holodisc and inserts it into the projector. “Let’s see what General Organa has to say.”

The image blips for a second, before Leia’s form appears.

_Jyn, the Resistance sends their deepest gratitude for the intel you were able to secure for us. This will help greatly in our struggle against the rise of the First Order. You and I have seen evil reign in the galaxy before. I know the Empire took a lot from you: your family, your friends. The First Order stands to take their place. I ask you now to help us in our fight. You have been a great ally to the Alliance in the past. We could use you. Please, join us, Jyn. Come and see me, my dear friend._

The room is silent as the message ends, but something heavy hangs in the air. The sounds of the outside world; shouting on the streets outside, the hum of the neon lights, loud music from the cantina below, become amplified by the quiet. Cassian stands behind her, and she knows he waits in anticipation.

She doesn’t turn to him, can’t, but she feels his eyes burning into her back. _What must he be thinking_ , she wonders. That line in the message, _You have been a great ally to the Alliance in the past._ He couldn’t have missed that.

“You’ve helped General Organa before,” he finally says, and his tone is unreadable. If he’d caught that line, he doesn’t let on. “She’s asking for your help once again.”

When she still doesn’t answer, he moves closer, and his proximity once again sends a jolt down her spine. She shudders, and instinctively she wraps her arms around herself.

“Help us, Jyn,” he says it so gently, and this time his tone is unmistakable. Her stomach flips. “Please.”

She hasn’t the heart to say no, even though her rational mind is screaming for it. Something still tugs at her, and her crystal throbs warmly against her skin.

“Get some rest.” She doesn’t turn to look at him, just gathers up some things from the bed and dumps them into a corner. “You’ll have your answer in the morning.”

He doesn’t respond, but soon enough she hears rustling, and the bed creaking as he gets in. She smiles to herself, making sure he can’t see, and starts laying out a blanket and pillow in the corner.

“What are you doing?” His voice cuts through the heavy silence between them.

“I’m getting some sleep myself.” She still doesn’t turn to him, but her heart starts hammering in her chest. She doesn’t want him to suggest what she thinks he’s going to suggest, except he does.

“Here, take the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor.” The bed creaks again as he gets out of it, and soon he’s kneeling by her side on the floor. He touches her hands to still them from her fussing, and she finally relents, not pulling back from his touch, even though she so desperately wants to. _It isn’t him_ , she hears her own voice in her head, but with every touch, with every look, with every time he gets so close to her, that voice starts to get fainter and fainter.

“Not a chance,” she says quietly, and she finally meets his eyes. She’s unprepared for what she sees there; curiosity, affection, hope. She swallows the lump in her throat. “It’s a long trip to D’Qar, I’ll need you to be alert.”

He smiles then, a wide, beautiful thing, something Jyn had never gotten enough of. Her heart stutters at the sight of it.

“Then we can share the bed.” His arms suddenly go up as he realizes the perceived intention of his statement. “And I mean _share_. Like sleep. Just sleep.”

Jyn laughs, and gives in. She’s tired, and tired of fighting this. When she slips under the blanket to lie by his side, her crystal throbs, warm and bright.

\---

The reunion with Leia had been what she’d expected, the General unable to hide the shock of seeing her old friend still young and unchanged from when they’d last seen each other, some thirty years ago. A consummate professional, she’d recovered quickly, gathering Jyn into her arms for a warm embrace.

“Jyn, it’s so good to see you,” Leia had said sincerely, then she’d lowered her voice, “I can see there’s a lot you need to fill me in on.” And she’d raised an eyebrow at Jyn, then glanced over at Cassian. Jyn had only smiled, in her eyes a promise to her old friend that she would share everything she knew. Leia had nodded, then she’d turned to the room. “Let’s discuss the First Order.”

Jyn had been impressed at the people Leia had rallied around her. Strong-willed and driven, they supported their general unquestioningly, united in their concern over the rise of something akin to an empire Jyn had fought long ago. She’d remembered the reaction she had gotten when she had tried to convince the council of her plan. She’d been glad for Leia, glad she had gotten such support.

“So,” Leia finally gets Jyn alone, in her quarters with the door firmly closed and locked, “Are you going to tell me what the hell’s going on?”

Jyn sighs, sits heavily in a chair at Leia’s desk. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Try me.”

Jyn drops her head into her hands, unsure of where to even start.

“Let’s try this,” Leia finally says, “I ask you questions, you answer. Does that work?”

Jyn looks up into her friend’s eyes, thankful for her taking control of the conversation.

“So the burning question is, how are you still young?” Leia had never been one to hold back, and she certainly isn’t now.

Jyn’s hand goes to the crystal at her neck, still warm, still throbbing. “It’s because of this.”

Leia moves closer, and Jyn allows her to touch the crystal. “It’s warm,” she says, looking curiously at it, “Is that kyber?”

“Yes,” Jyn nods, “My mother gave it to me before she died.” This time Leia doesn’t say a word, just waits for Jyn to continue. Jyn passes a hand across her eyes. She realizes she hasn’t recounted this story to anyone except Maz, and that was many years ago. Suddenly the weight of everything, of everything that has happened to her, of everything she’s been through, of everything she’s lived through, even though she should have died on that beach, comes bearing down on her, and her shoulders sag.

“Jyn,” Leia’s hand lands gently, but firmly, on her shoulder. “If this is too much for you…”

Jyn shakes her head. She’s been running on her own, so alone, for so long, and the concern of an old friend is enough to break her. If anyone would understand, it would be Leia Organa.

“My mother wasn’t a Jedi, but she studied Jedi philosophy. I never understood any of it when I was young, never knew what she did in that small room off the kitchen. I would often hear her chanting, but I never understood the words.” The memory of her mother comes rushing in like a wave, and Jyn flinches as if she’s been hit. All of a sudden she’s back on Lah’mu, the smells of dinner cooking on the stove fill her nose, and she peeks through the thin curtain to see her mother, kneeling on the floor. Her mother turns to her and smiles, and Jyn shakes her head of the memory.

“Before she left me,” Jyn continues, because she’s started, and it’s like floodgates have been opened, “She gave me this necklace, and when she put it over my head she said some words, like those chants I used to hear her say in that room.”

Leia nods, as if she understands, and Jyn cocks her head at her.

“I’ve heard stories like this,” she offers as explanation, “Luke told me.”

 _Of course_ , Jyn thinks. Luke would have heard stories like this. Maybe Luke is someone she should speak to as well.

“Where is he, by the way? I didn’t see him around.” Jyn asks.

Leia sighs heavily, and Jyn suddenly wishes she hadn’t asked. “Long story, for another time. For now, please continue yours.”

Jyn recounts the rest of the story for her friend, mostly how Maz had explained to her how it could have happened, how the blast from the Death Star had somehow converged with the crystal she’d been wearing, and conferred upon her a long life.

“So you don’t age?” Leia asks, and when Jyn nods Leia blows out a breath. “Must be nice,” she smirks, looking down at her aged hands.

“But wait,” Leia says, suddenly remembering something, “Did the same thing happen to Cassian?”

Jyn shakes her head, remembering how she had cradled him on that beach. Remembers how she woke in the medbay screaming his name, but she’d been told he hadn’t made it. Remembers the ache that had settled in her chest, that had remained there throughout all the years she had lived on her own.

“No, Maz thinks something else happened to him. He’s been reborn into another body.”

“Looks like him. Sounds like him,” Leia offers, “When he came to me, wanting to join the Resistance, I said yes right away, even though I hadn’t heard any of his qualifications. He reminded me so much of Cassian.” Leia says the last sentence wistfully, but when she sees the pain in Jyn’s eyes she takes both of her hands in hers.

“Listen, if this is too painful for you I can send him off somewhere else. We have great need for people of his caliber elsewhere--”

Jyn shakes her head, appreciative of her friend’s concern. “No, Leia. I feel like I’m here for a reason.” The crystal continues to throb against her skin.

Leia smiles, about to respond when there’s a knock on the door.

“Come in,” she says, and a man dressed in an X-wing pilot’s uniform enters.

“General Organa, I’m here to discuss the parameters of my mission,” he nods to her, at full attention.

“Ah yes, Poe, give me a minute.” The pilot nods, then exits the room. Leia turns to Jyn, her face open and sympathetic. “I appreciate you coming here, I appreciate your help more than you know.”

Jyn smiles warmly at her old friend, and embraces her once more before she leaves the room. As she passes the pilot in the hall, he gives her an awed glance before he enters the General’s room.

\---

Jyn is assigned quarters close to Leia’s, which means she’s far away from Cassian’s, and even though she insists she doesn’t need, nor want, any special treatment, the private who’s shown her to her room merely shrugs.

“General Organa’s orders,” he says, and disappears down the hall. Jyn sighs heavily, and is about to hit the panel to close the door, when a shadow darkens her doorway. She sees the boots first, but she would know that stance anywhere.

“Cassian.”

The crystal throbs, almost painfully.

“I was told you got a room.”

“News travels fast.”

“It’s a small base.” Cassian shuffles his feet, and Jyn recognizes that particular tell. “Okay, I paid that private to tell me.”

Jyn smiles, her heart thudding in her chest. “You didn’t.”

“You’re right, I didn’t. I threatened him.”

“You didn’t!”

Cassian’s face is blank, unreadable, but then the corners of his mouth turn up slightly, and he dips his head. “You’re right. I beat him in a game of sabacc and he owed me some intel.”

Jyn can’t help the grin that overtakes her face, and she honestly can’t remember the last time she has felt this light. She hesitates to call the feeling _happiness_ , but it’s certainly pretty close.

“Listen,” and he leans in conspiratorially, “I know the ins and outs of this base, so if you need anything, just let me know.” His face comes so very close to hers, and she’s reminded of _him_ , of the way personal space had quickly become a foreign concept to the two of them, in the short time they had known each other. Her heart throbs in time with the crystal.

“Thanks, I’ll remember that.” She tries to keep her voice steady, casual, but he’s leaning back now and probably getting ready to leave. Ignoring the cautioning voice in her head, she reaches up and gives him a hug, meant only to be a fleeting pat on the back, a friendly thank-you. But his arms wrap around her in turn, and suddenly she’s on that beach again, in his arms, and he’s holding her so tight, and she can’t stop thinking about what a cruel fate she’d been dealt, and how she had selfishly wanted _more_ , more of this, more of him.

She pulls back hastily because she feels the sting in her eyes, and she can’t fall apart now.

“Hey, thanks for bringing me here,” she says by way of explanation for the hug, “Thanks for convincing me to come.”

His eyes are deep, just like she’d remembered them, and he’s looking at her like he always had.

“That was all you,” he says, and now he is walking away, and Jyn can’t bring herself to leave the doorway just yet. Just before he disappears around the corner, he turns back.

“Oh, and the best caf is at oh-five-hundred, anything you get after that is sludge.”

\---

Jyn learns the inner workings of the base fairly quickly, between Leia’s debriefs and Cassian’s inside knowledge. She marvels at how put-together the entire operation is, how everyone is seemingly united in a singular purpose. She realizes Leia had learned a lot from being part of the Alliance, and that included how _not_ to do things. There’s no bickering council, there is only General Organa, who everyone follows because they believe in her. It makes for a much smoother flowing chain of command, and Jyn settles into her role easily. Leia knows her, knows how she works, and so she gives her the freedom to conduct her assignments her own way. Originally Leia had tried to keep her missions away from Cassian’s, but Jyn reassures her that it’s okay. They start to go on missions together, and Jyn finally feels like she belongs somewhere again, like she finally has a home.

\---

The mess hall is teeming with people, even at this early hour, and Jyn makes her way to one of the caf machines to make her beverage. Someone bumps her, a pilot, she’s guessing by her uniform, and Jyn moves aside.

“Sorry,” the pilot says lazily, but when she looks up to see Jyn’s face she freezes momentarily, before mumbling more apologies and rushing away. Jyn watches her sit down at a table full of other pilots, whispering and gesturing over her shoulder.

“Ignore them.” She hears a voice behind her. Turning around she recognizes the X-wing pilot, Poe, who had interrupted her conversation with Leia on her first day on base. “They love to gossip about anything and everything.”

Jyn sighs. This is why she had avoided staying in one place for too long, why she hadn’t made any long term connections with people or places. She already knows what the gossip is going to be.

“And what’s the story? About me?” she asks him, even though she already knows the answer.

Poe snorts, pouring a cup of caf for himself and for her. “They say you’re a ghost, or some sort of reanimated human brought back from the dead.” He offers the cup to her, smiling, “You do bear an uncanny resemblance to her.” He takes a sip of his caf, “And you have the same name.”

It’s Jyn’s turn to snort, not wanting to get into this conversation with Poe, or with anyone really. “Well, I can’t help it if my parents were obsessed with the heroes of Scarif,” she says airily, “Besides, isn’t that Cassian’s story too?”

Poe laughs, then nods his head. “Yeah, they ribbed him for that too when he first joined. It took everyone a long time to accept that he was a real person, and not some weird reincarnation of a long dead Rebellion hero.”

Jyn sways then, the room threatening to spin. The crystal still throbs against her chest.

“Looks like someone’s waiting for you.” He inclines his head, and Jyn follows his indication and sees Cassian sitting at a table, beckoning her over.

She sits heavily on the bench opposite him, still trying to process what she’s just heard.

“Everything okay?” he asks, when she doesn’t say anything. “What was Poe saying?”

Jyn keeps her eyes on the cup of caf in front of her. “He says there’s talk on the base. About me.”

Cassian laughs. “You mean the ghost thing? Or the ‘resurrected Rebellion hero’ thing?”

“You heard?” She looks up to search his face.

“Of course. I know everything that happens on this base.”

Jyn’s heart pounds, the crystal throbs painfully. “What do you believe?” She leans forward, waiting for his answer, _hoping_ for his answer.

“It’s ridiculous, of course! They said the same things about me, and it took a long time for me to convince them that I’m not something mystical, that I’m a real person. Just me.”

Jyn’s heart sinks, but she forces a smile to hide her disappointment. She wants so much for him to know, to know who he was, who he _is_. She needs to talk to him, to convince him.

\---

Later that night she finds herself standing outside Cassian’s door, nervously twirling the crystal around on its string. It throbs steadily, warm to the touch, and still emits a faint light. She’d changed out of her regular clothes and into a flowing tunic and pants that Leia had given her, purely for comfort’s sake, but after she’d knocked on the door and Cassian had opened it, he’d caught his breath at the sight of her.

“Jyn.” He swallows, his adam’s apple bobbing, “Come in.”

Jyn steps into the room, where she’s been many times before, going over missions and debriefs with him, sitting side by side late into the night. This time, something else hangs in the air, and she wants so much to just reach for it. She turns to him, and he’s standing so close to her, the weak light from the desk lamp illuminating his features.

“I wanted to talk to you...” she manages to begin, but he’s looking at her, like _that_ , “... about something…”

But she loses all train of thought, because now he’s staring at her lips, and licking his own, and she remembers being in the turbolift with him and _wanting_ , wondering what his lips must taste like. What if she could finally find out, and before she can think more about it she’s closing the distance, and so is he.

When their lips touch the crystal veritably explodes with light, and when their bodies meet the heat of it almost becomes unbearable. He doesn’t feel it, or if he does he doesn’t say anything, just slips his hand under her tunic and flattens his palm over her stomach. The feeling of his skin against hers is almost too much, and she bites back a cry as his hands roam over her body. He slips the tunic off her, and she’s fumbling at his pants, and they rip off the rest of their clothes and stumble to the bed, where Cassian lays her gently down. Jyn swallows the lump in her throat, at the care he takes with her, at how soft his hands are, skimming over her skin, raising fire in their wake.

“You’re beautiful,” he says, pulling back to look at her, his brown eyes deep and sincere. She wants to laugh it off, at the inanity of such a statement, but he’s serious, and it’s not humor she feels in her core. He slips a hand between them, down, until he’s between her legs, and when his fingers dip into her she does cry out, a soft mewl that he chases with his mouth. He makes her come with his fingers first, curling them inside her until she’s moaning and bucking up off the bed, and then he guides himself in and she swallows the scream that wants to tear from her throat.

The crystal hasn’t stopped throbbing, hasn’t stopped pulsing with light and heat, and as they come together, as Cassian moves inside her, she feels like something inside her has been sated, has finally been laid to rest. She comes with the knowledge that maybe this is it, maybe she’s found her place again. He comes soon after, his face buried in her neck, with a groan that makes him shudder, and she holds him to her as his breathing starts to even out. He slips out of her and lays beside her, and she tucks into his side as he twirls locks of her hair in his fingers.

 _Tomorrow_ , she thinks, as she hovers on the edge of sleep, _tomorrow I’ll tell him_.

\---

She doesn’t have a chance to be alone with him again, as events unfurl that keep the base buzzing. She hears that Poe may have been lost on a mission, one that Leia had sent him on to find information about her brother, and Jyn makes sure she’s by Leia’s side to offer support. Leia decides it’s time to convince the Senate to support them, and she speaks with her personal envoy, deciding to send her to Hosnian Prime. Cassian overhears the conversation, and offers to accompany Commander Sella, to help sway the Senate in a bid to convince them to stand up against the First Order. Jyn feels something shift in her chest when she hears he’s leaving, but she shakes it off. She’ll miss him for sure, but they’re tasked to return to the base as soon as possible so she’s sure she’ll see him again.

“I’ll be back,” he says, when she’s come to see him off, and she can’t shake that something’s not right. She nods, tries to smile but she can’t seem to manage it, so he takes her into his arms.

“I’ll miss you,” he whispers into her neck, and presses a soft kiss there.

Jyn nods again, but her heart is beating too fast and the crystal is too. “When you come back, we should talk,” she says, and he smiles, kissing her on the lips so that it’s all she thinks about for a long time after.

He boards his ship, and she never sees him again.

She’s in the Command center, at Leia’s side, when they’re told that Hosnian Prime had been destroyed. Jyn’s hand flies to her crystal, which had slowed its throbbing when Cassian had left, but is now deathly still, cold, and colorless once again.

\---

Jyn stays only long enough to help in the Battle of Takodana, to aid in the assault on Starkiller, and to support Leia as she mourns the death of Han. She’s standing on the ramp of her ship when Leia walks up, regal as ever, even in the wake of her beloved’s death. Jyn wishes she had the same composure.

“I don’t want you to go, Jyn,” Leia says softly, “You have a home here.”

Jyn smiles at her old friend, and as much as she wants to believe it, home can’t be anywhere that Cassian is not.

“Do you think he’ll come back?” Leia asks, and Jyn is glad that her friend believes.

“I do,” Jyn nods, touching the crystal at her neck. It’s still, so very still, and cold against her skin. “I have hope.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian Andor dies on the beach on Scarif, but Jyn Erso is given the gift of living forever, thanks to something mystical Lyra Erso had imbued into her kyber crystal necklace. Jyn begins to think it’s not a gift though, as she struggles to live with the memory of Cassian. It comes as a shock to her aching heart then, when years later her crystal throbs with heat, and he reappears, with a different name, and no memory of her. She tries to get him to remember her, but he never does, and over the years he dies and gets reincarnated several more times, each time her kyber crystal alerting her to his existence. But one time that she meets him, he finally opens up about a dream that he keeps having, of a beach, and a blinding white light, and holding someone in his arms, and she thinks with a fragile hope that this might be it, might finally be the time that he remembers her…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this final chapter we'll be leaving the known SW canon, so everything here is pure conjecture on my part (I obviously don't have an insight into what Lucasfilm is planning to do post-new trilogy, although I wish I did!)
> 
> Hope the ending is satisfactory, it's HEA just like I promised :-)

The march of time is relentless, and she may not age, but Jyn feels her bones weary. She meets him again and again, each time the crystal alerting her to his presence.

It’s different every time, depending on when she meets him, whether the galaxy is in a time of war, or a time of peace. Jyn lives long enough to see that it’s cyclical - almost like seasons. Evil rises in a form akin to the Empire or the First Order, then is vanquished by the forces of good, like the Alliance or the Resistance. Then back again, and again.

When she’d lost Cassian that first time, or rather, the reborn Cassian, she had gone out into the galaxy to mourn, but still with the thread of hope that he would come back. And he had.

Each time, she had approached the situation with caution, her heart pounding in time with the crystal at her neck, and each time she had wanted to tell him, had _ached_ to tell him, about who he is, who he was, who he had been.

Each time, she had lost him, before she ever had the chance to explain. In times of war it was a death that was expected, but in times of peace the pain hurt her even more than she could have ever expected.

\---

It’s a time of peace in the galaxy, and Jyn steels her heart for her next meeting with Cassian, or whoever he is to be in this incarnation. She’s been bouncing around from planet to planet, knowing that at some point her crystal would tell her it would be the right one.

Exhausted, she lands her ship on an outer rim planet, one that had been a backwater one in the days of the old Republic. The galaxy is expanding now, and planets are being “rehabilitated” with new technology that never ceases to fascinate Jyn. This is one such planet. It had barely been habitable, with barely breathable air and land totally unsuitable for any kind of farming. It’s now beautiful and lush, with arable land and clear blue sky. With no threat of war, families had settled here, with farms and ranches dotting the landscape of rolling green hills.

As soon as she sets foot on the soil, her crystal comes to life.

\---

She’s following a road or path of some sort, hoping it will lead her to a town or establishment of some kind, when she sees a young girl watching her from between two very tall trees. She’s not hiding, not wary at all, standing in full view of Jyn and not attempting to hide or run away. When Jyn gets close enough, she calls to her.

“Are you bringing the shipment of droid parts?” she asks, with a hand on her hip and her eyes scrunching from the bright sunlight.

Jyn comes closer, and something about the girl makes her pause. She stops a few feet away, her brain trying to catch up. Her hand involuntarily goes to the cord around her neck, moves down the line of it. Her breath catches when she feels the crystal, warm, pulsing.

“Who’s asking?” She tries to sound casual, but her heart is pounding.

“Me.” The young girl strides towards Jyn, and even though she’s a good foot shorter, and probably ten years younger, she’s calm and confident. Jyn knows those eyes.

“And who are you?” The crystal throbbing, and those _eyes_ , mean only one thing.

“My name’s Leeta,” she says, extending her hand. Jyn shakes it. “Actually, it’s my brother who’s looking for them. He’s the one who fixes the droids. Follow me.” She walks off down a lane that had been obscured by the trees, and Jyn follows, her heart hammering in her chest.

\---

Leeta leads her to a barn, made from the pale wood of some local trees, quite possibly the same ones lining the lane to the homestead. It’s a humble little building, just four walls and a simple roof, with no windows and just one big door, that’s currently propped open. The sound of power tools greets them as they enter, and even before he can remove the protective mask he’s wearing Jyn already knows. She sucks in a breath, as the crystal throbs and heats.

“Hey loser!” Leeta calls out, “You got company!”

“Leeta, for kriff’s sake,” he sighs heavily, pushing the mask up off his face and propping it up. He locks eyes with Jyn, and there’s a sizzle in the air, like static electricity. Jyn almost jumps back at the jolt, but she plants her feet firmly on the ground. She can’t mess this one up. She’s determined _this one_ will know who he is.

“Uh, hi,” he says, wiping his hands on his pants. His eyes haven’t left hers, wide and curious, like he’s trying to decipher a code. Everything about him is familiar; the set of his jaw, the squaring of his shoulders, the hair that falls into his eyes. The lines in his face aren’t as pronounced, Jyn notices, the byproduct of growing up in a happy home in a time of peace.

“Grixen usually delivers the parts for me, something wrong with him?” He’s watching her, his dark eyes sizing her up. Jyn swallows.

“That’s why I’m here,” she smoothly lies, something she’s had to learn to do in her long life, “He can’t make it. Told me to come and tell you.”

“You could’ve just comm’ed.”

“I was in the sector, visiting a friend.” She’s surprised at how easily the lie comes out of her mouth, and she hopes he believes her. He’s come closer, close enough so she can see the richness of the brown in his eyes, close enough so she can smell the dirt from the fields on his jacket and the oil he’d been using on the droid repair on his hands. She has to crane her neck to look at him, unable to look away from his eyes.

“I appreciate you coming by, then.” The crystal throbs at her chest.

Someone yells from the house nearby.

“Well, that’s dinner. If you two would stop mooning at each other, maybe we can all go eat.” Leeta jumps down from the table she had been sitting on, and no doubt watching them the entire time.

Leeta’s voice breaks the trance, and Jyn finally looks away. “I should get going,” she says, suddenly realizing she has no other reason to be there.

“Uh, why don’t you stay for something to eat?” he calls out, as she’s already turning away, “It’s the least I can do, since you came all this way to give me that message.” He’s tilting his head at her, a question, his eyes wide and open. When she doesn’t respond right away he cracks a shy smile, his eyes crinkling slightly at the corners, and Jyn couldn’t say no if she wanted to.

“Sure,” she says, keeping her tone even, “That would be nice.”

“Wonderful! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go eat!” Leeta tears down the lane towards the house.

He shakes his head as she leaves, then turns to Jyn with his hand outstretched. “I’m Cass, by the way, if Grixen hadn’t mentioned it.”

Jyn’s stomach flips, but she fights to keep her face neutral. “I’m Jyn,” she says, reaching out her hand to him. When they touch, the electricity from before returns in full force, almost knocking both of them backwards.

“Wow,” Cass says, shaking his head, “There must be a storm coming.” He looks to the sky, but it’s clear and blue and still. “Or maybe not,” he shrugs, then indicates with his head towards the house. “Let’s go before Leeta eats everything.”

She lets him go ahead of her, so that she can process everything, all the memories that had flooded back when they’d touched. It’s almost too much to bear, but she wills herself to stay strong, as she watches him walk, his familiar gait a comfort to the ache in her chest.

\---

The house is as humble as the barn, just a simple edifice with a room for eating, a room for cooking, and a room for sleeping. Jyn notices a large pallet and a smaller one in the bedroom, and she finds herself wondering where Cass sleeps, if he even lives here at all.

The meal, though simple, is hearty, and Jyn can’t remember the last time she’s eaten this well. Leeta talks through most of it, bits of food flying in all directions, but no one scolds her or notices. Cass eats quietly, sometimes glancing her way.

Their mother, Filomena, flits around the room, silently doting on her kids, especially Leeta. Cass waves her away affectionately when she tries to give him more food, and this little domestic scene almost breaks Jyn’s heart in two. She remembers meals like this with her own mother, and her heart aches with the thought of Cassian, _her Cassian_ , never having experienced such a thing in his short life.

“So, Jyn,” Their father, Anolo, interrupts Jyn’s train of thought, “How long will you be staying on Ragna Prime?”

She feels four sets of eyes boring into her, one set especially so, and the answer that comes out of her mouth isn’t at all what she had expected.

“I’m actually looking for a place to settle. The droid parts business seems saturated at the moment, thought I’d try my hand at something new.” Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Cass’s eyebrows rise.

“Can you repair droids?” Leeta suddenly blurts out, and Filomena scolds her gently. Leeta pouts, muttering, “Cass is always complaining about it.”

“We could use the help,” Anolo adds, but it’s not his eyes Jyn is focused on. Cass is watching her, his face open, his eyes wide and clear. There’s something behind them, curiosity, hope? He’s stopped eating, his utensils paused above his plate, his entire body like a taut string.

“I can repair droids,” she finally says, and it’s not a lie, it’s a skill she’s had to pick up in her long years traversing the galaxy. Cass visibly relaxes, but he still doesn’t start eating again. The crystal pulses against her skin. “I’ll need a place to stay.”

“Sibar has a place down the road, he’s always got one or two rooms to let. I can take you down there.” Anolo starts to get up from his chair, but Cass stops him.

“I can take her, Papa. You finish dinner.” He gets up from his chair so fast it tips backward, almost falling to the floor, and he hastily takes his dishes to the sink. He ushers Jyn out of the house and into the cool evening air.

They walk in silence for a while, the scuffing of their boots on the gravel path the only sound. The sky is beginning to darken, and Jyn is awed by the deep violet color the setting sun makes. A breeze picks up, and the rustling of the leaves high up in the trees is a faraway sound, one that Jyn in her long life has never once stopped to contemplate. Beside her, Cass walks close, even though the lane is wide, and she’s not surprised. He’d never been one for personal space. The breeze is cool, but she’s not bothered by it. The crystal warms her, and so does his closeness.

“So how long have you been working for Grixen?” he breaks the silence, but Jyn doesn’t mind. She could listen to his voice forever.

“Hm? Oh, I don’t really work for him. More like a consultant, really. He probably wouldn’t even remember me.” The lie comes out smoothly again, but she figures she needs to cover her tracks if she’s to stay here for any length of time.

“Oh yeah, he has a horrible memory,” Cass laughs, and the sound is something so foreign, and all the more beautiful for it. “One time he forgot I asked for extra bolts, and one of our poor droids had to operate with some of his parts tied together with wire.”

Jyn smiles at the story, and she realizes it’s the first time she’s smiled in a long time. She could get used to it here, to this idyllic life, and at the thought of it the crystal throbs steadily.

“This is it.” They’ve stopped in front of a two story building, similar in construction to the house on Cass’s homestead, except this one had a second story added to it, with a wooden stairway attached to the side. He goes to the front door, exchanges a few words with an older man, back bent with age, who gives him a key. Cass hands the key to Jyn, and when their fingers brush she feels her skin tingle. He must feel it too, because he pulls his hand back slowly, eyes wide. He drops his arm to the side, fingers flexing involuntarily.

“I should go to bed. Long day,” she says, and really she does feel exhausted. She’s done this so many times; met him, loved him, lost him. She doesn’t know how she’s made it this far, but every time is like the first time, and every time she’s determined to make him see, to make him know who he is, and who she is. This one won’t be an exception.

“Of course,” he says, but he’s still flexing his fingers, and he’s still not looking away, and once again Jyn fights the urge to just launch herself into his arms. Instead, she turns, although it isn’t exactly what her body wants to do, and heads up the stairs.

“See you tomorrow?” he calls up, and she’s not surprised he hasn’t left yet.

“Bright and early,” she responds, and doesn’t turn back because she can’t trust what her body might do. She closes the door firmly behind her.

\---

Jyn settles into life on Ragna Prime rather quickly. Peacetime had been tricky for her in the beginning, but she’s had many years of experience with it now. In peacetime you didn’t have to look over your shoulder, you didn’t have to keep your head down, you didn’t have to worry about ‘troopers or superweapons or village massacres. Peacetime was quiet, peacetime was lazy, peacetime left you time to think, time to learn, time to want. She helps out on the Andros homestead, mostly with droid repair, but sometimes with other things; Leeta’s chores, Filomena’s trips to the market. She usually leaves the homestead before dinner, not wanting to overstay her welcome, or make it clear she’s there for anything other than work. It becomes pretty clear to everyone though, that something unmistakable hangs in the air between her and Cass. Leeta rolls her eyes whenever they glance shyly at each other, Anolo and Filomena exchange knowing looks when they see the two of them commiserating over a droid they’re repairing, their heads bowed, close enough to touch.

Jyn is almost at her door one night, when she remembers she had wanted to take one of the new droid parts home to study it. She walks back to the homestead, knowing they’re all in for dinner, planning only on grabbing the part from the barn and heading back home. She sees the light on in the kitchen, and hears voices, but when she enters the barn, Cass is there. He looks up, surprised to see her.

“Oh, sorry! I didn’t know you were here. Just came to grab this part.” She picks the part up off the table, and means to leave, not really expecting him to be there. She’s turning around to walk out, when music suddenly fills the air, and the sound of singing can be heard from the kitchen. She turns back towards Cass, her brow furrowed.

“Evening entertainment,” he chuckles at the look on her face. Putting down the part he’d been working on, he wipes his hands on a rag, and walks towards her. “My mom used to sing in the opera, my dad used to play the flute. That’s how they met.” He’s come so close again, standing right in front of her, so that she has to tilt her head to look him in the eye.

“It’s beautiful,” Jyn whispers, and she doesn’t really mean the music, but he’s taken her breath away and it’s all she can say.

“Do you…” he pauses, ducks his head, rubs the back of his neck, “Do you… dance?”

Jyn’s brain shorts out for a moment, as if she can’t comprehend what he’s asking her. It’s such a foreign concept, _dancing_ , in all the days she had known him it was never something she would have thought of in a million years. Yet here he is, face expectant, waiting on her answer.

“I’m usually in there, and Leeta makes me dance with her, she doesn’t much care for singing but she loves dancing--”

“Yes,” Jyn interrupts his nervous blabbering, “I mean, I don’t know how, but maybe you could teach me?”

“Of course.” His face lights up, and he reaches towards her, “May I?”

Jyn nods, and when he slides his arm around her waist she takes a deep breath, and only lets it out when he’s settled her other hand in his.

“Like this,” he says softly, and he moves them slowly, swaying in time with the music, which is lush and lovely, the dulcet tones of Filomena’s voice filling the air. Jyn remembers again all the times she’s been held in his arms, and she settles against his chest as the memories invade. He pulls back slowly to look at her, and reluctantly she pulls her head away from his chest.

He doesn’t make another move, just stands there, and his entire body is tense, as if he’s ready to jump back if she only says the word. So she makes the move, because she can’t stand it anymore, and leans up on the tips of her toes. His face dips towards her, eyes half-lidded, and Jyn hopes he can’t hear the thudding in her chest. The crystal heats suddenly, and Jyn is taken aback by it, gasping and involuntarily drawing back. Cass draws back too, and Jyn is almost broken by the hurt in his eyes. She takes a deep breath, takes his hand in hers, interlacing their fingers, and pulls him gently towards her.

“Kiss me,” she says, and she hopes it’s enough, because it’s all she wants. He pauses only for a moment, wanting her to be sure, his eyes searching hers, and when he finds them open, and willing, and _wanting_ , he leans down again, and she’s not prepared for this kiss at all. When their lips touch the air sizzles, the music is drowned out by the pounding of her heart in her ears, and when he pulls her flush against him her knees buckle. She clutches at him, fists her hands into his shirt, and when he deepens the kiss she moans, and it fuels him even more. His hands stay at her waist though, and she wants him to touch her so desperately, so she moves her own hand down to his belt. He stops abruptly, pulling back, breathing heavily. Resting his forehead against hers, his eyes still closed, he takes a deep breath.

  
“Jyn,” he breathes, “I want you, I’ve wanted you since the moment I met you, I don’t know what it is or why, but I can’t get enough of you. I want to be around you all the time. Will you stay with me tonight?” He’s breathless by the time he gets it all out, eyes open now and searing into her.

Jyn can only nod, because she can’t breathe, his words so honest they’ve ripped into her soul. Again she feels the crystal heat and throb, as he picks her up easily and carries her to the cot in the corner of the barn.

He lets her lead, lets her take control, watches her with awe and wonder as she moves above him. She can’t stop touching him, caressing his cheek, his jaw, his shoulders, his arms. When she feels her orgasm coming on she rakes her fingernails across his chest and he bucks up into her, gripping her waist, and he comes with his head thrown back, a groan from deep in his throat escaping his lips.

Later, they lie in each other’s arms, the night settling in. The music has long since stopped, and nothing can be heard except the breeze rustling the leaves in the trees, and the occasional chirping of the nocturnal insects in the fields. A chill has settled into the night air, but inside the comfort of the barn Jyn lies warm, peaceful, and content.

“Is this where you live, then?” she thinks to ask, noticing his personal belongings strewn around the small space. He nods, chin rubbing against the top of her head, and even that simple act of intimacy is enough for a rush of affection to wash over her.

“Wait, where did you think I lived?”

Jyn shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess… I guess I thought you lived someplace else.”

“Ah,” he says, and she can feel his chest vibrate as he hums. “My parents encouraged me to go out, when I came of age, to find my own way, to meet someone, start a family.” He plays with her hair as he speaks, twirling a lock of it around his finger. The crystal pulses warmly.

“I couldn’t leave my parents though. My dad, he has an old injury which makes it hard for him to work for long hours. And their droids are old, always breaking down, so they really needed a full time droid repair service.” He wordlessly points to himself, and Jyn smiles.

“Besides,” he continues, “Something was keeping me here. It’s hard to explain, but I couldn’t leave if I wanted to.” The crystal heats at that moment, and Jyn covers it with her hand, at the same time trying to still the rapid beating of her heart.

“So…” Jyn starts delicately, awkwardly, “You never met anyone?”

Cass chuckles, and he rubs her shoulder, his fingers trailing down her arm. “I did, but none of them ever worked out.” Jyn can’t suppress her smile.

“What about you?” he asks, and in his voice she hears a burning curiosity. She wants to say _it’s always been you, for all my life_ , but instead she shrugs.

“There was someone,” she says, and pauses. Sure enough, she feels his body tense.

“What happened with him?” he asks, his voice as tense as his body.

Jyn takes a deep breath. _This is it_ , she thinks. _I need to convince him_.

“He died, in my arms.”

“Oh Jyn, I’m so sorry.” He hugs her tighter to him, presses a soft kiss to the top of her head. But she’s not done, and indeed the crystal pulses rapidly, as if encouraging her.

“I still feel him, though, you know? It’s as if he’s never left me.”

Cass’s body tenses again, and Jyn knows this is the moment, the point of no return. She props herself up on her elbows to look at him. He’s watching her, his eyes curious, but there’s a wariness to them as well.

“Do you ever feel like you’ve met someone before? Like you knew them once, but you just can’t remember?” She can see he’s thinking about it, his eyes darting from side to side, as if he’s trying to access the far reaches of his memory. _Think, Cass, think. Remember, remember me_.

“Can’t say that I have,” he finally says, and Jyn ducks her head, trying desperately to hide the disappointment in her face.

“But do you believe,” she tries again, “Do you believe it can happen? That people can… come back?”

He cocks his head, looks at her, his dark eyes contemplating. “Do I remind you of him?”

She wants to say, _more than that! You ARE him!_ But she knows he’ll think she’s crazy. She needs to be more delicate about it, needs to give him time to warm up to the idea.

“I’m sorry, Cass. I’m sorry I brought this up,” she sighs, avoiding his question. “Not the best topic of conversation at a moment like this, is it?” She cracks a smile, hoping to smooth everything over.

He looks at her for a moment, before the corners of his mouth turn up, and his body finally relaxes. “It’s all good,” he says, “Come here,” and he pulls her down into his arms again. Jyn settles against him, but her heart is still racing and her brain is still whirring. Exposing him to the idea is a start, but she knows she has work to do to get him to remember. The crystal is still warm, but pulses slower now.

“For now, we should sleep, we have an early morning tomorrow. I think that power generator in the field needs a check, it’s been malfunctioning a lot lately.”

Jyn nods her head against his chest, and with the mention of sleep she finds that she really is quite exhausted, both physically and mentally. She’s lulled to sleep by the steady beat of his heart, and the warmth of his arms around her.

\---

She wakes to screaming.

Sitting up in the cot, her heart drops to the pit of her stomach when she realizes Cass isn’t there with her. Hastily she dresses, runs out into the field to see Anolo and Filomena racing past her. She looks towards the place they’re running to, and sees black smoke billowing in the distance.

The power generator.

She runs, her body taking over, legs pumping and lungs screaming. She doesn’t know how but she passes Anolo and Filomena, the blades of the tall grass in the field whipping her face, but she doesn’t feel the sting. When she reaches the building, engulfed in flames, Leeta is already there, her hands on her head. She’s yelling, frantic, but Jyn already knows. Cass’s tool belt lies on the ground beside the building, the flames licking at it.

Jyn falls to her knees in the mud, her body pitching forward. The crystal dangles from her neck, cold, lifeless, and still.

\---

The cycle continues, and the time of peace finally comes to an end. Whispers abound again, of a faction who’ve broken away from the Senate, led by another being of evil who wants to take over the galaxy. Jyn has seen it all before.

She’d left Ragna Prime shortly after Cass’s death. She couldn’t bear to process Anolo, Filomena, and Leeta’s grief as well as her own. She’d stayed long enough to help them find someone else to help out on the farm, then she’d boarded her ship and headed out once more.

Her travels eventually lead her to Takodana, whether she’d wanted to go there or not she couldn’t tell anymore. Maz had her castle rebuilt after the battle with the First Order, bigger and grander than the old one. She’d also recommissioned her statue, also bigger, and much more flattering.

Jyn moves through the castle, getting lost once or twice in its labyrinthine passageways, but eventually she finds Maz in her room.

“Maz?” Jyn is shocked to see Maz lying in her bed, and not flitting about as she usually is. With a pang of guilt she realizes she hasn’t visited Maz in many years, the passage of time something she hadn’t paid much mind to anymore.

“Jyn, my child,” Maz croaks, and she sounds so much older than she ever did, “Come here and let me see you.” Jyn walks over to the side of the bed where Maz is lying, looking so small and frail amongst the pillows and sheets, with their ornate beading and fancy stitched patterns.

“Maz,” Jyn sucks in a breath, unable to hide her dismay. Maz only smiles, her knowing eyes taking in Jyn’s face.

“Don’t fret over me, child, I’ve lived a very long time.”

Jyn clutches her chest, as if a million needles had driven themselves into her heart. She’s lost so many, in her own long life, she had never expected to lose Maz too. With Leia long gone, Maz had been her last thread to her past. She can’t stop the tears that spill out, making a trail down her cheeks.

“Be strong, Jyn,” Maz suddenly pulls her hand out from the blankets and grabs Jyn’s arm. Despite her weakened state, her grip is firm. “You will find him again, and he _will_ remember you.”

Jyn swipes at her face with her arm and smiles weakly. Even in the face of her own death, Maz still finds it in her to comfort, to reassure. Unable to hold back anymore, she falls into Maz’s arms, and Maz holds her, shushing her softly until her body stops shaking.

\---

She dreams of him that night.

He comes to her, comes to their bed; she watches him move with purpose towards her as she sits back against the headboard. He sheds his clothes in fluid movements, and crawls towards her, and she can’t take her eyes off the graceful way his shoulders move as he comes to her. Before she can react, his hands are caressing her legs, moving up her thighs, and then his mouth follows, hot kisses on skin as he moves up her body.

She presses her lips together to stop the whimpers, her hands gripping his biceps, flexing under her touch. He pulls her body down to him, so that she’s lying prone underneath, so that her center is so much closer to his face. His breath is hot against the skin of her inner thigh, and then he’s there, his mouth is on her, and she swallows the scream that threatens to burst out of her throat. He’s relentless, teasing, and sucking, and licking, and the sounds he’s making are loud and obscene in the quiet stillness of the room. She loses herself over and over again, and then he’s off her, moving up her body again, trailing her own wetness over her abdomen as he kisses his way up, through the valley between her breasts, along the column of her neck, over her chin, and finally to her lips.

Her center throbs as she tastes herself on him, her world narrowed to the way his mouth and his tongue are on her, melting into his kiss. She feels his body moving it's way up hers, skin sliding deliciously on skin, and then she feels the tip of his cock teasing at her, and then he’s inside, slipping in so easily and fitting so perfectly. His lips are at her ear, breathing, and then he’s saying something, practically growling it into her ear, and she’s breathless at the way his hips are grinding into her, at how his voice sounds rough and desperate. She tries to focus on what he’s saying, but he’s hitting that spot again and again, his fingers grasping her backside as he pulls her to him and pumps inside her, and she shuts her eyes tight and stars explode behind her lids. When she comes back to herself she starts to comprehend his words…

_Jyn_

_My Jyn_

_I love you_

_I’ve waited for you_

_I love you I love you I love you_

She wakes with a start, her heart pounding out of her chest, her face bathed in a cold sweat. Her eyes sting and her throat is dry, and her muscles ache as if she’d been flexing them the entire night. She lies so very still for so long, not wanting to feel the tears that have no doubt soaked into her pillow.

\---

She stays with Maz for as long as it takes, keeping her company, helping with the workings of the castle. She boots out drunkards from the cantina, refuses entry to shady characters, and keeps an ear out for any other news of the nascent evil in the galaxy. When Maz finally passes, she can’t bring herself to leave. The crystal has been silent, so she knows it’s not the time anyway.

She settles in, determined to make Takodana her home.

\---

The years pass, and Jyn finds a rhythm to her life once again. She’s not completely fulfilled, there’s still a part of her heart that’s missing, that aches, that doesn’t leave her alone, especially in the quiet of night, but she soldiers on as best as she can. She manages Maz’s castle as Maz would have wanted, not changing much in its day to day workings. People still come and go, smugglers, thieves, wanted criminals. She turns a blind eye to it all, so long as they follow the castle’s rule: “All are welcome. (No fighting)”

It’s a rule-breaker then, who changes everything.

He’s a humanoid, with dark skin, and Jyn catches him with a vibroblade to the throat of an alien Jyn has never encountered before. She disarms him easily, even though he’s a good foot taller than her, and twice as heavy. She throws them both out, warning them to stay away.

The humanoid comes back later that night, slips into the cantina when Jyn is distracted. He’s sneaking up behind her, her back turned to him, and before he can make a move Jyn has her own vibroblade to his throat.

“I thought I told you to get out,” she growls. He throws his hands up in a gesture of surrender, eyes wide.

“I’m not here for any trouble,” he says, his voice steady. Jyn eyes him suspiciously, but he hasn’t made another move, his arms still hanging in the air above him. She pats him down, removing the weapons he has on him, the vibroblade from earlier, and an old blaster tucked into his waistband. Jyn scoffs at it.

“What is this for then? You plan to shoot your foot off with it?”

“It’s all we can get,” he shrugs.

Jyn’s eyes narrow at him, “Who’s ‘we’?”

His eyes dart back and forth, and when he seems satisfied no one is listening or watching them, he leans forward and whispers, “The New Alliance.”

Jyn’s heart skips a beat. “The New _what_?”

“The New Alliance,” he says with more confidence, “We’re standing up against this madman who wants to take over the galaxy. They’re calling themselves ‘the New Empire’, so we’ve called ourselves ‘the New Alliance’. It’s a nod to an ancient conflict where--”

Jyn waves him off. “I know what it refers to,” she says calmly, but her heart is beating so fast she thinks it might burst out of her chest. It’s happening again. It’s a cycle, after all. She checks her crystal, but it’s still cold.

“What’s that got to do with me?” she spits at him, wondering why he’s sticking around.

“You’re a fighter,” he says, sounding impressed, “We could use more fighters.”

Jyn throws her head back and laughs. “What makes you think I’d want to get involved in something like that?”

“You would really want to see this evil take over the galaxy? Wouldn’t you want to do something about it?”

Jyn is suddenly hit with memories, specifically the memory of Saw Gerrera, standing before her, incredulous as this man is. _You can stand to see the Imperial flag reign across the galaxy?_ He had asked her. _It’s not a problem if you don’t look up_ , she had told him. She hadn’t believed it then, when she’d said it. She certainly didn’t believe it now. She picks up the crystal again, and even though it's cold, it shines ever so subtly. It may have been a trick of the light in the room, but Jyn takes it as a sign.

“Where do I sign up?”

\---

This new Alliance, the new _Rebellion_ , is in much worse shape than the last. They have old weapons, barely functioning ships, and no permanent base as far as she can tell. They operate almost like the Partisans, wild and uncoordinated skirmishes wherever new Imperial forces have been spotted. Jyn can work with that, she’d done it before.

They’re in the middle of a firefight, completely overpowered, stormtroopers (new ones, with better armor it seems) surrounding them, when the crystal suddenly decides to come to life. Jyn is wholly unprepared for it, and the shock of it throws her back, leaving her open for a stormtrooper’s shot. Someone fires from behind her just in time, and the ‘trooper goes down, but not without getting a shot off himself. Jyn whirls around, just in time to see her savior go down with a blaster shot to the back.

She doesn’t need the crystal to tell her, even from the back she would know him anywhere. She bites back a scream, and scrambles over to his side, pulling him over until he’s on his back. He’s still, his eyes are closed, but since the crystal is throbbing she knows he’s alive. She wants so much to just throw herself onto him, to pour out all the emotion she’s kept bottled up for so long. Instead, she touches his face, the same beard growing along his jaw, with that spotty patch where a scar from his childhood had been. There’s a cut above his left eyebrow, and Jyn knows he needs bacta. She yells for a medic, and soon two privates and the medic rush over, and together they carry him back to the ship.

\---

“We should be arriving at oh-six-fifty, sir.” She hears the droid address the man in the co-pilot’s chair, obviously an officer from his uniform, which Jyn notices is frayed and patched. She hasn’t left Cassian’s side (she’s learned his name is Cassian in this incarnation, _of course it is_ , she thinks), even though she knows everyone’s eyes are on her. She learns that he’d been part of a team of reinforcements sent in, people who normally didn’t fight but they’d been desperate. The senators who were backing the New Alliance had wanted more decisive victories, hence the decision to send non-combative operatives into the field, and probably also why she had been recruited. She holds his hand, not caring that everyone is watching her, most likely wondering how she must know him.

“You know him?” Dag, the humanoid who’d recruited her, finally asks.

Jyn wants to nod, wants to say _gods yes, I know him, I’ve known him all my life_ , but instead she shakes her head. “He got shot protecting me. Just want to make sure he’s okay.”

Dag only shrugs, as if to say _whatever_ , and goes back to inspecting his blaster.

\---

Jyn hadn’t been paying to attention to where they had been heading, so it comes as a complete shock to her when they land on Yavin 4. Her mouth hangs open as she takes in the Massassi temples, still standing after all these years.

“Where are we?” she asks, even though she knows exactly where they are.

“Our new base,” Dag explains as he walks off the ship, “It used to be a base for the old Alliance, around the time of the destruction of the first superweapon the old Empire had built…”

Jyn lets Dag trail off, already knowing the details of the story he’s recounting. They’ve rebuilt the base, reusing some of the equipment the rebels had left behind, even though it’s ancient technology now. The contrast of the old and the new jars Jyn’s brain, but she’s distracted from it as she sees Cassian being brought past her towards the medbay. Knowing exactly where it is, she follows.

\---

It doesn’t take long for him to recover, and when he wakes up Jyn is sitting by his bed. He blinks, then stares at her for so long Jyn thinks he might have fallen asleep with his eyes open.

“Hi,” he finally says.

“Hi,” she returns. The crystal throbs steadily.

He scrunches his eyes. “You’re one of the soldiers, from the battle?” She can tell he’s trying to place her, his eyes roving over her face, and she wants to melt from the intensity of his gaze.

“Yup,” she says, trying to sound casual.

He nods. “Glad to see you’re alright,” he says, trying to sit up, but he grimaces in pain and slumps back down again.

“Could say the same for you,” she admonishes, “That was a stupid thing you did.”

“Saving your life?”

“I had it under control!”

“Falling back into the line of fire is ‘having it under control’ to you? Where did you come from, anyway?”

Jyn can’t help but bite back a smile. She’s missed this, oh how she’s missed this. He only looks at her, scowling, probably thinking she’s laughing at him.

“I need to rest,” he finally says, but with less harshness in his voice. He sounds tired.

Jyn takes the hint, and gets up. As she reaches the door, he calls out.

“Hey, thanks for saving me, too. And thanks for being here when I woke up.”

Jyn turns around and gives him a small smile, fighting the grin that wants to overtake her face. The crystal is so very warm, and pulses soothingly against her skin. “You’re welcome.” She turns to leave, but he calls her back again.

“Hey, what do I call you?”

“Jyn,” she responds, and at the sound of her name his face changes. Something flits across his eyes, and Jyn’s heart stutters.

“Jyn,” he repeats thoughtfully, his eyes glazing over for a split second, before he seems to come back to himself. “Nice to meet you, Jyn. Welcome to Yavin 4.”

\---

Jyn finds her place in this new Alliance fairly quickly, and she impresses everyone with her fighting skill and her knowledge, especially her knowledge of old Rebellion history. They’re in awe at someone her age having had the experiences she’s had, and she only explains it away by saying she grew up in the roughest parts of the galaxy, after she had been abandoned as a child. She avoids too much talk about her past, and eventually they lose interest and move on. Everyone, except one person.

“Where did you learn how to use those?” he asks after a training session, when Jyn had shown some new recruits how she used her truncheons. She thinks back to her time with the Partisans, to her time with Saw, the relentless hours of training he had put her through. _Hit it, again. Again. Again_.

“Just something I picked up,” she shrugs, and hopes he doesn’t press any further. He doesn’t, but he also doesn’t stop looking at her, and it’s that look he always used to get, when he was trying to figure her out. She feels stripped under his gaze, and heat rises to her cheeks. Oddly, he reacts the same way, as if he had the same feeling. His cheeks redden, and he turns away, suddenly intensely preoccupied with the straps of his gloves.

\---

Cassian works in Intelligence (and once again Jyn is struck by the cyclical nature of things) and eventually he’s able to convince his superiors to move Jyn into his division. He argues that with her knowledge she would be much more valuable in Intelligence, as opposed to the brute force of the front lines.

Once they start going on missions together, Cassian has the opportunity to regret his decision. They clash almost immediately, Jyn so used to doing things her own way, as she’s had to for so long. She learns that Cassian, although not quite as hardened, still does everything by the book, still follows orders to the letter, still believes in a cause that’s bigger than himself. He may have not been raised during a war, but he’s had a tough childhood anyway, and the new Alliance is his family now.

They’ve come back from a mission, one where once again Jyn had hovered on the edges of insubordination, when Cassian finally snaps.

“Jyn,” he says curtly as they disembark from the ship. “My quarters, _now_.” The others on their team raise an eyebrow, but Jyn only shrugs and follows Cassian out of the ship.

He doesn’t speak on the way, just walks at a clip, his long strides too much for Jyn’s shorter legs, so that she has to practically jog to keep up with him. When they reach his door he opens it, and motions for her to go in. The door shuts behind him, and he lets loose.

It’s a lot of blustering, a lot of “what were you thinking” and “what you did was dangerous” and “you need to follow orders”, it’s a lot of pacing and hair pulling, and Jyn knows she should be defiant and angry, but as she watches him her heart swells. Yes of course she’s missed loving Cassian, sweet Cassian, but she also misses this. Angry Cassian, passionate Cassian, his brow deeply furrowed, his mouth turned down, his jaw clenched. She sits in silence, watching and waiting, and finally he wears himself out and slumps in a chair.

“I’m sorry,” she finally says when the silence gets to be too much. He lifts his head, levels her with an incredulous look. He’s used to her fighting back, words spit out between them.

“I just…” she starts, fiddling with the clasp of the gloves on her hands, “I’m not used to working with someone. I haven’t had to for a long time.”

His expression changes, and he gets up from his chair and takes a seat on the bed beside her. “Jyn,” he says, and his tone is softer, and for all of her life she’ll never get over the way he says her name. “I need you to be on my side.”

“I’m always on your side, Cassian.”

He shakes his head, “I mean, I need to count on you, I need you to trust me. Do you trust me, Jyn?”

Jyn smiles then, an inside joke. “Trust goes both ways,” she says.

He looks shocked then, his eyes growing wide, and Jyn thinks he might be offended. “I trust you, Jyn,” he says, but then he looks at the floor, “I don’t know, I just have this compelling need to protect you. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

The crystal heats and throbs, and Jyn sucks in a breath. He hasn’t noticed though, his head still bowed, elbows resting on his knees. She puts a hand on his back, and as it’s always been, the touch is electrifying.

“I trust you, Cassian,” she says, and when he turns to look at her she looks deeply into his eyes to convince him. His face is so open, and he looks at her with so much conviction that her throat feels tight, and her eyes begin to sting.

“Thank you,” he whispers, and then something takes over her, her heart perhaps, and she throws her arms around his neck. He freezes for a moment, before he wraps his arms around her waist, and they settle together like two pieces of a puzzle that were always meant to fit. She wants to hug him like this forever, to stay in his arms, to never let death take him again, but she hasn’t yet found out how to make that happen. She disentangles herself from his arms, wipes at her face, and mumbles something about a debrief, before she leaves his room.

\---

Missions work a little better now, there’s still a push and pull but it’s something they eventually work with. Jyn gets accustomed to Cassian watching her back again, as he always had, coming back for her even when he shouldn’t. He risks his life for her again and again, but she always finds a way to do the same for him. They rapidly develop a closeness, and soon one can’t be found without the other on base. It becomes a running joke that if you can’t find one of them, you should check the other’s room. Of course everyone thinks they’re sleeping together, but everyone would be surprised to know that they hadn’t quite gotten that far.

Jyn is reticent, because she needs to do this right, she needs for him to remember her. She sees the way he looks at her, everybody does, but she doesn’t take it any further, and Cassian follows her lead. She needs to think, she needs to keep her head clear so she can figure out how she’s going to convince him. Sleeping with him will only complicate things, muddle her brain, and she needs to be on the ball.

Cassian, however, can’t wait forever.

He kisses her one night, because they’re laughing together over something funny that had happened that day, and she’s so close to him, and her eyes are dancing in the light, and she kisses him back at first, almost falling deeper into it, but then she pulls away abruptly. What she wants to tell him is that it’s not because she doesn’t want it, because she doesn’t know if she’s wanted anything quite so badly, but she sees the hurt in his eyes, the horrified look on his face, and he stumbles away, mumbling his apologies.

She doesn’t see him for the rest of the night, doesn’t go to see him, just lies on her bed and curses herself, curses her long life, curses her mother and the Force and the crystal. She curses her inability to make it work, to make him remember her, curses him for loving her over and over but never knowing her. She turns onto her side and cries herself to sleep.

\---

She’s dreaming, and she knows it.

It’s the beach again, the sand giving way under her boots. The sky is a bright, blinding white, the roar of the oncoming wave deafening. He’s holding her in his arms, so tight, so warm. The wind whips his hair into her face, she relishes the feel of it on her skin. The crystal is hot between them, and as he pulls back to say the words she'd heard in her dreams so many times before, she wakes up.

There’s a pounding on the door.

She’s rubbing her eyes, a bit disoriented from being woken from a dream. The pounding continues, louder and more urgent. She sits up slowly, swinging her legs to the side of the bed, her mind still struggling with consciousness. The pounding on the door hasn’t stopped, so loud and hard now that the door vibrates and the sound reverberates in the quiet room. Slightly alarmed, Jyn goes to the door and opens it, and Cassian is standing there. The look on his face is enough to bring her to her knees.

“Jyn?” he whispers, his voice hoarse and strangled, “Jyn?” he repeats, almost desperately, his eyes red-rimmed and frenzied.

“Cassian? Oh gods, what’s wrong?” she’s crying, and she can barely get the words out, her heart so fragile with hope she feels it can break at any moment.

“I had a dream,” he can barely speak, he’s choking on his words as he tries to get them out, “I was on a beach, there was a bright light, and it was loud, so loud.” He puts his hands to his ears as if he hears the sound, even now. “And I was holding someone?” He looks at her, eyes darting wildly across her face, “Was it you, Jyn?”

Her knees finally buckle and he catches her, and she buries her face into his chest, unable to contain the heaving sobs that are wracking her body. He sinks to the floor with her, holding her, caressing her face and brushing away her tears with shaking hands.

“I remember,” he whispers, and he’s sobbing now too, “I remember you.”

She touches his face, his shoulders, his chest, feeling him to make sure he’s real, crying and laughing because _he remembers, oh gods he remembers_ , and she’s clutching him and pulling at him and she never wants to let go. He keeps whispering “I remember”, into her ears, into her hair, and then his words turn to kisses and he’s kissing her everywhere he can reach, her forehead, her cheeks, her nose, and finally her lips.

The crystal is searing now, and so bright it’s lighting the room, but Jyn can’t give a thought to it because he’s kissing her neck now, and it’s sloppy and desperate and urgent but she’s on fire, and it’s the only thing keeping her alive. She clings to him, unable to stop the moans that escape her lips when he sucks on her skin. His hands hold her tight, as if she’ll disappear if he lets go, fingers pressing into her flesh and stoking the fire in her core. She tugs at his shirt and he hastily pulls it off, and then he slips his hands under her shirt, desperate for her skin on his. Her shirt and breastband follow in quick succession, and then his hand moves between her legs, and he cups her over her pants.

Jyn gasps, pulling him tighter to her, and she wants to laugh and cry again, after so many long years of wanting and wondering what it would be like, she almost can’t believe she’s here. But then he’s pulling off her pants and underwear, and she loses herself in the moment. He pulls his pants off too, and then he’s lifting her by her hips and lowering her onto him, his eyes never leaving hers.

Before she sinks down on him he captures her face in his hands, his eyes are burning into her, his hands still shaking. She can’t contain the emotion threatening to burst out of her heart at that moment, and he swallows the sob that escapes her mouth with his. When she finally sinks down on him she cries out, and all the grief and heartache she’s carried with her for all the long years of her life suddenly dissipates. He pulls her down, until he’s sheathed all the way inside her, threads his fingers into the hair at the nape of her neck.

“I’ll always be with you,” he whispers, and Jyn falls onto his shoulder, tears streaming down her face.

\---

_10 years later_

The sunlight is bright in her eyes, so Jyn shields them with her hand to see better. The sand is hot under her feet, and the turquoise water ripples against the shore. They’re not too far away, but she always needs to make sure they’re safe.

“Watch out for the waves!” she calls out, and two little heads nod obediently.

“They’re fine,” a voice chuckles beside her, and in all her long years it’s a voice she will never tire of, a voice that never fails to make her heart flip in her chest. An arm snakes around her shoulder, and she leans into him, losing herself in the scent and warmth of him. The breeze picks up, ruffling his hair, and it settles over his eyes. Jyn reaches up to brush the locks away, and he smiles down at her, the corners of his eyes crinkling. This is what she’d wanted for so long, and now that she’s here, she almost can’t believe it’s happening.

“I found my first gray hair this morning,” she says matter-of-factly, and he feigns shock.

“Oh no, you’re getting old,” he smirks, and Jyn doesn’t think she’ll ever get over that lopsided smile that he makes.

“Yes. Finally,” she sighs. She looks at the gray in his hair, and realizes how much she has to catch up, but she treasures the gift that she’s been given, the gift of finally being able to grow old with him.

When he’d remembered her, something in the crystal had shifted, and Jyn had felt as if something within her had been set free. When Cassian didn’t die, even though she had been half-expecting it, fear rendering her almost catatonic every time he went out on a mission without her, hope had begun to seep into her heart, mending the many breaks it had suffered over the years. She had no one to consult, no one to ask about what might be happening, Maz and Luke and the Jedi long gone, no one really left in the galaxy who knew of the Force anymore. She would accept anything that came then, she had decided, they had both decided, as long as they could be together.

“Mama, look! I found a crystal!” a chubby, wet hand, covered in sand, thrusts something in front of her. “It looks like yours! But not bright, or warm, or shivery,” she pouts.

Jyn bends down to take the crystal from her daughter’s outstretched hand. “It’s beautiful anyway,” she says, and her daughter’s face lights up. “We can make it into a necklace for you, if you like.”

“Yes please! Thanks Mama!” and she runs back to play with her brother, who’s attempting to build a sand castle with the fine, white sand.

Jyn feels a sting in her eyes as she watches their children playing in the sand. Cassian is watching her, with an expression of concern, his brow furrowed. Jyn has noticed more fine lines on his face, especially around his eyes, and she’s aware it’s not something to normally be happy about, but she can’t help but feel a surge of contentment when she sees it.

“Happy tears?” he asks, and his eyes fill as well, as they both turn towards the scene before them. Jyn nods.

The sand no longer reminds her of Scarif, the sound of the rushing waves no longer a precursor to death. The bright sunlight no longer calls to mind an explosion that took everything from her, that threw her into an existence of loss, and love, repeated over and over again. This planet they’ve settled on is not Scarif, and holds no significance for her, except for the fact that it was the planet they had been on when Cassian had told her he wanted to marry her, where both of their children had been born, and where they had made a home once the war had ended.

“I’m glad you’re here with me,” she says, and she takes his hand in hers.

“Thank you for waiting for me,” he leans towards her, and she leans towards him, the crystal throbbing hot and brilliant.

“Welcome home,” she whispers, as she wraps her arms around him and presses her lips to his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who kudos'd and commented, liked and reblogged on tumblr, I appreciate you all! This fic really was a labor of love and took a few years off my life! It's unlikely I'll write something of this length again, but who knows. Never say never, I guess :-)


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